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Does marriage counseling work? That is a very good question. I would like to say yes. It works only if both partners are willing to do the work. I like to tell my couples that it is never really about couples therapy but instead it is about the relationship each has with themselves. Couples therapy is a word used often in place of individual therapy.
People contact us when they feel the marriage is at it’s last stage and they are facing the question if to get divorced or not. They want to know if their marriage can be saved. They want to know if the marriage is worth saving and if there is any hope for it. These are tougher questions because I am working with two individuals who may or may not be on the same page. There are no guarantees but it is a good idea that you both are seeking help.
For many couples I see coming in for help it really is disguised as divorce counseling. One or both of the individuals has already thrown in the towel. You may be coming in thinking your partner wants to commit to therapy but really they may be using therapy as the spring board to tell you that they are done trying. The issues may be to far gone for therapy to work if one person has dug their heels in. Many I find just do not simply get honest and tell the therapist and other partner how they are truly feeling. They withhold information. There must be a level of commitment and motivation on both ends to save the marriage if this is going to work.
A couple seeking marriage counseling must first have a solid idea of what they are working on. Few and I mean very few couples really ever are clear when it comes to marriage and why they made the decision. They find communication and effective listening so difficult that the have stopped trying. Couples need to be able to set realistic and tangible expectations. It is difficult to play the blame game which I see all to often in therapy. Both want to be right. Few understand that each person in the relationship is “right’ when it comes to how they see the problems. They are real for that person but the other is unwilling to see this and claims there is only one right way.
In conclusion it does work if you are unwilling to understand and show patience and compassion with each other. Seeking marriage and relationship counseling is a great first step to working on the marriage. I always tell my clients to remember the times when they really enjoyed each others company. Let’s work on getting back to the basics. Let’s remove the heavy words like divorce, and the idea that you both signed a document binding you together till death. That is way to heavy. Be gentle on yourself and in return you will be open and flexible to allow change to occur.